On Conflict

Conflict is real, inevitable, and everywhere. Every comment on a PR or RFC is conflict. So is every question in a design review. If you're on a team that truly has no visible conflict then take a deep look around and try to figure out why. It's probably not a good sign. I doubt you all really agree about everything.

Unless you never make decisions anyone disagrees with, every decision you make involves some conflict. Everyone who disagrees with your decision puts a cost on the impact of your decision and a cost on the potential conflict (raising the issue). Most people tend to dislike conflict so that cost is relatively high. In many (most?) cases, the cost of the decision appears relatively low, so the conflict is never voiced. And generally that's ok and the team and work progress.

But is that really the best thing? Is conflict bad? Of course it can be. And unvoiced conflict isn't much better. There are two obvious problems with unvoiced conflict. First, the person who isn't saying anything feels stifled, unheard, and diminished. That's never a good thing. And in these days of Zoom and WFH, it's even easier to feel that way.

Second, we're missing out on important points and opportunities. There's a high probability that by not addressing the issue you're taking on unknown technical debt that is just going to bite you later. It might very well be the right thing to do, but we should never take on future work without being aware of it.

So what can we do about it? The part that we all can work on is reduce the cost of conflict. Keep it about the topic. The Cambridge dictionary says conflict is an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles. The key here is that its people with opposing opinions, not opposing people. So talk about the ideas. Be open to new ideas. Listen to the other person. That person has decided to expend significant energy to raise the issue. Respect that commitment and listen to the ideas. Talk about the ideas and how they interact. Talk about use cases and future implications. Don't talk about people.

At its best, conflict is more like improv. The best jam sessions grow not out of agreement, but out of collaboration. Reaching the best possible solution that includes previously missed thoughts and ideas. The kind of conflict that starts with "I don't think that solution handles 'X' well, and ends with it handling 'X'. 'Y', and 'Z'.